Author : docapc

The Mind of the Bully-The Empathy Solution

Posted by docapc at 9:18 pm

Not long ago a patient of mine pleaded with me to find time to see her son in consultation. Marie is a single mom raising two boys, ages 19 and 16. She has been divorced for several years, her alcoholic husband hit her one too many times and she left him when the boys were quite young.

  Her oldest son Nathan has had a very troubling life, often acting out in school, quite aggressive and extremely disrespectful of authority. He quit high school in his junior year, has drifted throughout the country and eventually found what he has come to call his new family, the infamous group called white supremacists.

    I agreed to see Nathan and our one time consultation proved to be invaluable in my further understanding of the mind of the bully. Nathan proudly let me know that he has beaten blacks, Jews, gays, Italians, Puerto Ricans etc. He made it clear in the early moments of this consultation that he and his fellow supremacists were the only ones who were truly protecting American values.  His initial story was not uncommon, I am sure you have heard these descriptions of violence in the name of distorted views of justice.

                                           The Real Story-The Hidden Injury

    Nathan was particularly prideful about his hatred of blacks; he talked of how they were truly inferior, less intelligent than whites, living off the system as he continued to ramble on about their destruction of white society for several minutes. I listened for the most part as he ranted. At one point he commented that he knew I must agree with his views.” After all my mom said you’ve been at Harvard and “there aren’t many blacks walking around in Cambridge”. I of course informed him there were many black professors at Harvard and in particular several who were noted for their brilliance in the medical school.  He argued and again I just let him vent. After I was able to calm him by listening attentively I slowly asked him if he would give me an honest answer to an important question. He proudly said of course as I knew he would not want to convey retreat. I asked him if he thought he would score higher on an IQ test than one of my black colleagues if I could arrange for testing in a few days. He fumbled for an answer and for the first time I could see his exposed vulnerability. “I’ve never been school smart; it doesn’t matter anyway on the street”.

     I then complimented him for answering honestly. He was surprised as he did not exactly answer my question. I mentioned that he revealed his answer without many words and although he was feeling angry I could tell he was an honest person. Nathan, at this point, had calmed down somewhat and I knew I had his attention. I then asked if I could ask a second question and he agreed. His pride seemed to be pushing him forward.

                               The Scene of the Crime-the Original Story

I asked Nathan how it came about that he developed such hatred for blacks. He went on tell me how he grew up in a poor neighborhood outside of Boston. He was one of the few white kids on his street and he was taunted and hit on the bus repeatedly by black kids who were older and stronger. He felt totally humiliated day after day. “I told my old man what was going on but he was always too drunk and never did a dam thing about it, my mother was too scared herself and eventually we moved but not after me learning what these n……were really all about”.

                                          The Bully was Bullied

As Nathan told of his early suffering and how his rage developed he began to mellow, at one point his rage turned to tears. The origin of his hatred was clear, there is always a story of hurt, humiliation and damaged self worth behind feelings of rage. We ended our conversation that night and I never saw Nathan again. His mom moved to Florida to take care of her elderly parents shortly thereafter. A few months ago I received an email from Marie saying Nathan had left his so called friends and was living with the her and his grandparents. She said things were still quite difficult, his temper could erupt at any moment but he was enrolled in an IT school to gain certification as a technician. She also mentioned he seemed to be benefitting from conversations with her father, an ex marine who had great respect for what violence can do to a person’s life.

                                               An Ordinary Human Being

         You may think of Nathan as unusual and in many ways despicable. After all he took delight in bullying and beating innocent people. He is however not so unusual in terms of the development of a bullying personality. Aggression fosters aggression, empathy fosters empathy.  Nathan, like many other abusers, was abused himself. He lived with unbearable humiliation, lacked the support of a stable family to help him cope and as a result eventually feel prey to the seduction of the supremacists. They initially offered him connection, support and a family structure that seemed to guarantee him safety and security. They united with him in rage toward a common enemy as they superficially built up his self esteem. They praised him for following their dictates and rewarded his bullying under the disguise of protecting white people who were being robbed of their independence and rights.

 I am reminded of the classic studies by psychologist Stanley Milgram when he was determined to understand how seemingly ordinary people could commit atrocities such as those perpetrated by the Nazi’s during the holocaust.

   Dr. Milgram designed an experiment where some individuals were told that they were helping researchers to find ways to improve memory. They were divided into roles of teachers and learners. Learners were to memorize a set of words, teachers would administer the testing. In actuality the learners were actors implanted by Dr. Milgram. Teachers were to deliver and electric shock for wrong answers, beginning with 15 volts. The control panel of the electroshock machine was labeled slight shock to danger to severe shock. Even though the learners were shouting “ I can’t stand the pain” at 450 volts, once the experimenter stated that he would assume all responsibility two thirds of the teachers continued to elicit shocks to the very end of the scale. This result shocked the researchers themselves but proved that ordinary, decent people could perpetrate acts of violence and cruelty.  This experiment has been duplicated many times indicating that when people shift their sense of responsibility to an authority they are capable of doing immense harm. Nathan had shifted his sense of responsibility to group leaders, freeing him to unleash his sadistic side without evoking his conscience.

                            Human Beings are born to Care not Hurt

Numerous studies indicate that we are genetically programmed to care for each other. If however were abused, neglected or humiliated the capacity for empathy withers and we are left with a sense of helpless rage toward those who inflicted suffering on us. I was asked recently by a reporter if empathy can be taught. I answered in seconds, “absolutely”.

    In conducting group psychotherapy sessions over the years I have witnessed many individuals develop this capacity even if it was under-developed for most of their lives. Human beings cannot resist empathic attunement. Even Nathan, with all his rage, began to soften as he felt understood. I saw in his eyes the hurt humiliated boy who desperately was searching for understanding, belonging and safety. When we don’t feel secure and safe we are vulnerable to being manipulated by predators and we are vulnerable to forming long lasting prejudices that fuel resentment and chronic unhappiness.

                                             The Societal Factor

If as a society we want to reduce bullying and aggression we have to place more emphasis on teaching cooperation and less emphasis on idealizing the win at all costs attitude. We reward the aggressor in many instances on a regular basis. Professional athletes and celebrities act with disdain for human life and we forgive them because they perform and achieve on high levels. This attitude promotes valuing status over character and achievement over quality relationships.  If our goal is to become rich materially at the expense of becoming poor spiritually we will continue to witness acts of terror. Our young people will continue to take their lives as they envision no hope for fairness and equality in a society devoid of empathic understanding of differences.  Developing and expanding our innate capacity for empathy is the salve our society is in desperate need of, let us all place our inherent goodness as the guiding motivation to living and behaving with compassionate and tolerance. Our youth is in need of rescue, it is a critical, immediate need we are responsible to fulfill.                        

                            Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

                                              Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

The Principle of Thoughtful Contribution

Posted by docapc at 6:53 pm

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     By  P.M. Forni,Ph.D.

“What’s in it for me?” This is the unenlightened attitude billions among us go through life with. Why unenlightened? Is there something wrong with the pursuit of personal interest? No, there is not. What is wrong, and in the long run counter-productive as well, is to let the pursuit of personal interest become an exclusive affair, without consideration for needs and desires of the rest of the world. Now, should we then upend our question and make “What’s in it for others?” the one we are looking for? This may point the way to sainthood, but I am not sure that as a practical existential compass it works any better than “What’s in it for me?”  Enter Benjamin Franklin, with his opinion that the noblest question in the world is: “What good may I do in it?”  If the voice of our conscience has not been muted, we immediately perceive that there is something right here—something perfectly balanced. Although Franklin’s attitude is one of going beyond mere self-interest, he does not wonder “What good may I do for my fellow humans?” In other words, he is not advocating that we forget self-interest. The goal he advocates is a commitment to bettering the world, whatever form that betterment might take. This allows us to go beyond the “good for me, good for others” alternative. The idea is that our allegiance is neither to ourselves or the other person, but rather to the situation in which we both find ourselves. 

Our survival instincts program us to grab the prize of the moment, lest a competitor grab it before we do. For Cal Hockley, the main villain in Titanic, the ultimate prize was a spot in a lifeboat about to leave the sinking ship—and he showed that he was ready to do anything to prevent anyone from taking that prize from him.  While an aggressively self-centered behavior is always an option, in everyday life ethical considerations do make us often choose restraint. Very practical considerations play a role as well. Sure, we can use people as means for the satisfaction of our needs and desires; sure we can loot and plunder, but ruined relationships with those we wronged  and a ruined reputation make that a very costly gain.  How should we live, then?  Here is a simple rule of thumb that allows us to manage life situations both ethically and expediently. A re-elaboration into a principle of the two approaches to life situations I mentioned above, I call it the Principle of Thoughtful Contribution:

In every situation in life our primary concern should not be what we can get out of it.  Rather we should think how we can best give of ourselves to it. The only decent way to act is with an eye to achieving something good beyond our own immediate interest.

Although snowstorms are not frequent in Baltimore, about every other year a big one comes calling, eventually making us measure the might of mother nature in feet rather than inches. And so the shovel detail of the able-bodied denizens of my residential cul-de-sac goes to work, plumes of white breath coming out of our red noses in the stinging winter air. It is hard work, especially if the snow has solidified, but a few hours later the cars of our elderly and frail neighbors who could not join us outside will have been dug out just like our own. Now, no immediate reward awaits us for our extra efforts on behalf of neighbors we do not even know very well. No immediate reward, that is, other than that of having done the right thing—or if you prefer, of having followed the Principle of Thoughtful Contribution.

“What is the best possible contribution I can give?” is the question both smart and decent you want to ask yourself whenever you are faced with a decision of some consequence. I am not arguing that you should forget your own interests, needs and desires. I am just saying that as you take the time to identify in your mind the ideal course of action, you avoid going immediately and unthinkingly for the lazy or narrowly self-serving option. In other words, I am urging you to give the best in you a fair chance to come out and play itself out. Back to the snow-removal, one of these years I might decide to just dig out my own car because I have papers to grade, a speech to write and way too little time to do it. What I can do, then, is to remind my neighbors still at work in the snow to dig out all the cars. Before I sit down with my papers it may also be a good idea to make a couple of telephone calls to our elderly neighbors to let them know that we have not forgotten them. This time, this would be the best contribution I can give.

How exactly does self-interest figure in the picture? When you give of yourself to the situation at hand you are also furthering your own advantage. That you are doing it in an indirect way does not mean that you are doing it ineffectively. In fact, you are pursuing your goals in one of the smartest possible ways: by helping others pursue theirs. An act of yours that benefits others is always a deposit at the bank of reciprocal altruism. Sooner or later you are going to make a withdrawal. Maybe the people you helped will help you in return. Maybe they will want to befriend you or do business with you. People like to do business with people they like. Maybe other people impressed by your handling of yourself will want to be around you and so they will strengthen your platform of social support.   The mere fact of having volunteered help, however, will reward you with the gratifying feeling of having done the right thing. You may even experience Helper’s High, a special sense of elation that comes from selflessly improving the lives of others. Feeling good about ourselves is always good for both our physical and mental health. Trust the Principle of Thoughtful Contribution, that wonderfully simple and effective regulator of our actions. In every circumstance of life do think first about what to give rather than what to take. The taking will come in due time as a matter of course. There is absolutely no need to fret.

By Dr.Forni, Director of the Johns Hopkins Civility Project, Author of Choosing Civility and The Civility Solution

Basic Goodness in our Troubled World

Posted by docapc at 5:38 pm

Goodness is defined as the best part of anything. Goodness is surely the best part of human beings. It is when we act with kindness, generosity, strength and integrity. Henry David Thoreau said that “goodness is the only investment that never fails”. It never fails because when we engage others with an attitude of goodness we produce what we are biologically and spiritually programmed to do. We produce the hormone oxytocin, which has been called the hormone of compassion which is elicited when we bond through the relational qualities that goodness embodies. We all possess basic goodness but depending on how resilient we are in facing day to day challenges this inherent quality can recede into the background of our lives.

                               What interferes with our basic nature?

 We probably all remember being told to “be good” by our parents and those of us raised in one of the major religions remember being told to “do good” in the service of others. Over time these phrases have been taken for granted and have seemed to have lost the basic message they were intended to deliver. If we do not appreciate the value of goodness we are unlikely to live from this perspective. Human beings are kinder to each other when we feel safe and secure. With the rise of aggression in our culture, the threat of terrorism, the increase of bullying in our schools and in our workplace we find ourselves in a position of fear. Fear creates anxiety, anxiety creates distorted thinking and ultimately distorted thinking creates an inflexible, overly simplified view of the world. These recent changes in our culture have promoted a lack of good will toward others and fostered more self absorption and less outward giving.

                                        Black and White Thinking

Studies have proven that when we feel secure bias and prejudice is markedly reduced. Perception and mood are closely related, when we feel understood and secure we are more likely to perceive accurately and more likely to do good rather than do harm.  Social psychologists have long established that avoidant or anxious individuals will bolster their own self worth by imagining that their group, whether ethnic, religious or otherwise is superior. This defensive posture creates rigid thinking, the black and white perceptions that promote simplified theories of human beings and their affiliations. Rigidity protects a fragile sense of self; it creates an artificial road map that gives an insecure person answers and direction to life complexities. Establishing a world view on anything but the truth will ultimately create more and more fear. Anxious people avoid new ideas and new ways of thinking, while avoidant people run from new challenges, both fearing loss of self esteem if they give up their entrenched beliefs.

                                      To Do Good We Must Feel Good

If we have a solid sense of self we are far more likely to be gracious to groups other than our own. We emerge with greater tolerance of differences when we have been loved, respected and understood in the early parts of our lives. If we received the empathic resonance all young people crave we grow with optimism and with an excitement about learning new and novel ideas from new and novel people. It begins in our families. If our parents had friends of diversity, if they were open to learning new possibilities to replace less functional ideas we are likely to value and feel happy when learning. This is the opposite experience of those who grew up in insecure households where the enemy was outside and the only good people remain inside. Goodness then takes on a distorted meaning promoting the idea that we should only be and do good to our own, not those unlike us. If you talk to any early childhood educator they will tell you it takes only a few days in the initial school year to identify the empathic children who love life, love learning and most importantly love making friends. Knowing how to express goodness makes us happy, more energetic and more resilient. We have more skills to manage daily living. We are not limited in our pursuits of knowledge and we are not limited in the array of people we can befriend. Young children feel the way we feel but they don’t think the way we think, therefore learning must take place by doing and feeling. When learning is recorded on a visceral level it is embedded in the deepest part of our memory bank. Experience shapes our early outlook of ourselves and the world, children pay far less attention to what we say and far more attention to what we do.  The old saying, “ do as I say not as I do” is an hypocritical message based on myth not on the true realities of how  learning actually takes place. We are the models, the teachers who must convey a sense of excitement about doing good for all people.

                                             Teaching Goodness

      To uncover the basic goodness in each of us we must make a disciplined effort. We must recognize that goodness is part of our being; it is at the heart of our humanness. We have to move away from excluding anyone based on bias and prejudice. Goodness is not just for those who adhere to the Judeo-Christian ethic or the Buddhist or Muslim ethic or for that matter goodness is as much inherent to atheists as to any group. We are all born with this inherent capacity. But what if we have been raised to believe that one group is superior to another, or that several of our thinking patterns are superior to others. I can assure if you think your education, race, religion, vocation, income, or location make you superior you are profoundly mistaken and doomed to a life of superficial relationships.

          We teach goodness by the way we live, not by holding on to fixed ideas to shore up our sense of self. Be honest with yourself, acknowledge situations and people who threaten you and go about resolving these issues rather than punishing innocent people for being their authentic selves. You will never be comfortable in your own skin unless you have the courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable and discover where you need to grow and learn. In many instances we need to un-learn mistaken positions we have held on to defensively. Old hurts are recorded deeply in the brain; we are programmed to remember what caused us fear. Fear creates rigid thinking which leads to false theories and inaccurate judgments. Re-evaluate your past with today’s wisdom and in the process you will release your dormant innate goodness. Thomas Paine, one of our Founding Fathers when asked about his philosophy of life, replied “My country is the world, my religion is to do good”. Our world would surely be a better place if his words became synonymous with our actions on a daily basis.

                                     Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

                                       Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

Suffering Unleashes Goodness

Posted by docapc at 2:33 am

A few weeks ago I was talking with one of my patients about his recent release from the hospital where he was treated for a major infection. He was telling me he had to get home to cook the turkey for Thanksgiving. He was bringing the meal to his elderly parents, his mother is recovering from her second bout of breast cancer and his dad is currently struggling with the effects of Leukemia. Joe also mentioned that he invited a few of his workers to dinner as he knew they had nowhere else to go for the holiday as their families were far away.

   I met Joe some time ago when he was referred to me for stress related work problems. He had a thriving construction business, owned several rental properties in addition to a beautiful home on Cape Cod. He son was turning 8 and his wife complained of his working seven days a week and not being a very tolerant husband. Joe has always been a perfectionist, holding himself and others to very high standards. He had trouble maintaining employees as he often drove them as hard as he drives himself.  His anger would often get the better of him, leading to physical altercations on a few occasions. Nevertheless he impressed me as well intentioned and in many ways good hearted.  I could tell early on he was not someone who would be easy to work for or live with. His intolerance for anyone who didn’t see things his way seemed to be a characteristic of his black and white thinking. He once told he had no room for the gray in life, “you either step up and do the work or get out of the way” was his motto.

Out of Despair Kindness Arises

       One rainy day Joe’s entire life ironically changed for the better. He fell off a roof and became paralyzed. He was used to scaling buildings, walking great heights and using potentially fatal power tools. On this day, he was in a hurry to make a dentist appointment. His attention dropped, his foot slipped and the next thing he knew he was on his back struggling to breathe.

As you might expect Joe went through a profound depression after the accident. Joe’s wife eventually filed for divorce, continuing a time in his life that seemed like the worst nightmare possible.

I lived through Joe’s depression. I visited him in a Boston hospital after I learned he was paralyzed. His first words to me were, “Doc, can you believe this happened to me? What am I going to do? I could lose my business. How will I support my family? This is crazy. I can’t live like this! You know I can’t!” I cried when I left his room. I felt empty with a deep sense of sadness as I drove home, wondering how I could help Joe and how he could ultimately help himself.

How could this man, in his late 30’s, very successful, two homes, real estate, land purchases, see it all come crumbling down and recover? His wife had left him. Two years later his father developed leukemia; then his mother discovered she had breast cancer. The only friend he felt understood his plight was a fellow paraplegic he met in rehab. Unfortunately, his friend committed suicide shortly thereafter, not being able to cope with the life of a paraplegic. We started our journey with a momentous mountain in our path.                                                                                                                                                                      

The first two years of our meetings were filled with grief, anger and despair. I listened as Joe told me how much he missed walking, running and skating. He’d been a stellar athlete and a very physical man all his life. How could he ever work out again? How could he regain his business? Would he disappoint his son?  He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to teach him how to hit a baseball, fish, ski, etc. Would his ex-wife’s new boyfriend take his place in his son’s heart? All these fears filled his mind, all based on a loss of complete control.                                                                                                                        

He constantly asked me what I thought about regaining his business, how could he continue his role as a father and whether he would ever drive again. We found a physical therapist who would train him to condition his upper body so that he could move more adeptly in his chair. He called truck manufacturers to see if a vehicle could be made for him to drive. We talked about how he could train men to be part of his construction business. He eventually trained two men, and he even had them hoist him up on to the very roof he’d fallen from to face his fear and most importantly, “to finish that goddamn job.”

We made a plan to call old customers to let them know he was back in business. He asked the baseball commissioner of his son’s league if he could coach his team. Last spring they won their division and his son could not be more proud of his dad.

Today, Joe’s business is again successful. He goes to job sites daily and works out at a gym three times a week. He has made his home handicap accessible and has become a great cook. He had abandoned his church after the accident, but today he and his son attend every Sunday morning. “It gives me such a good feeling to be there with him.” He has unleashed the kindness that had been buried within him for years.

Goodness Changes the Brain

A few weeks ago, after one of our individual sessions, Joe remarked, “I am a better person as a paraplegic.” “I turned my life around; I’ve come to believe that people are basically good. So many strangers have cared for me, given me their best to help me get better; they made me a more compassionate person. I was always so hard on people; I never realized how difficult it was for me to trust anybody.”

The tragedies of Joe’s accident made him slow down and reflect as the circumstances overwhelmed him with emotion. He was not known for expressing feelings readily. Loss of control can be a blessing. It can actually lift a burden one has been carrying all through life.

Joe tried so very hard to control all aspects of his life—his work environment, his wife, his son, etc. He always thought he was doing the “right thing.” He never realized that people could not relax around him. They worried he would be easily displeased or that they would disappoint him if they didn’t make that “all-out” effort he encouraged.

Today he has learned how to listen rather than using his old style of lecturing. He can tolerate vulnerability rather than giving anyone who has a doubt a pep talk. He understands human frailty in a way he never considered before. As a result, people feel closer to him and he feels closeness with many people he never experienced closeness with before.

People who remain open to new experiences and who expand their social circle have an expanded capacity for learning. Their brains develop new neurons. They find life interesting, not a chore. They like to find the novelty in every situation and “mix it up” a little, as opposed to the routine predictability I often see in many of my adult clients.

Joe lives near the church where I rent space to do my group sessions. After group on Friday mornings, I meet Joe at his home for our weekly session.

One Friday morning I was early and arrived before him. I talked with Ronnie, a recovering drug addict who is staying with Joe—not because Joe needs help, but because Ronnie needs to put his life back together. Ronnie lost his job, his wife, his driver’s license and most of his friends because of cocaine; and he is having trouble figuring out how to adapt to the circumstances of his life.

When Joe arrived, he roared up on the motorcycle he had custom-outfitted for his particular disability. He had come from the lake where he was overseeing the construction of a dock at a camp for handicapped children so they could learn how to kayak and water ski. Last winter, Joe went skiing on a special ski with his young son in Aspen. He also won a deep sea fishing contest with his son in Canada this past summer.

Giving is a Survival Skill

A number of scientific studies as of late have indicated that being a giving person, an individual with a warm heart who extends himself or herself to others derives significant psychological benefits. Goodness stimulates the pleasure center of the brain, releases the feel good chemical dopamine,  and as a result this kind of empathic attunement is thought to protect our species by fostering cooperative efforts. Joe derived the benefits of giving as he was forced into a state of vulnerability. He learned through his tragic accident how vulnerability increases interpersonal capability. It would have seemed impossible to him to imagine loosing the use of his legs and immerging a happier person. It is a fact I have been privileged to witness. When we are open and honest with ourselves we can be open and honest with others. In the process we discover goodness in ourselves we can share with the rest of the world. It is surely a protective, connective process that allows us to remain healthy and vibrant. The opposite is true when we remain isolated and pre-occupied with our self interests to the exclusion of others.

In my experience leading group therapy sessions over the years I have continually noticed that when people become involved with other members in an empathic way they begin to feel better. The cure for depression and anxiety is not within but between us, as we enter the world of another we take a mental vacation from ourselves while influencing our neurochemistry positively.

                                         Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

                     Author of the Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

      .

The Holidays are Coming…

Posted by docapc at 11:45 am

It’s that time of year again and many of my patients are already anticipating the pressure and emotional turmoil that each of our families bring to the holiday table.

One of my clients just left a session saying, “I love them all but they drive me crazy”. I asked her what behaviors specifically drive her crazy. She talked about her uncle who drinks too much, her mother who is a perfectionist and has to have “everything just right”, making everyone uncomfortable. She talked of her husband not helping enough with her sons on Christmas morning, the cousins who talk to load, each too much, sing off key and the aunt who makes the same horrible cake every year and on and on. We were both laughing at this point as Marie is incredibly funny and of course her Spanish family sounds so similar to my Italian family that I couldn’t help feeling right at home.

I’m guessing no matter what ethnic background you come from you can identify. At one moment when Marie became a bit somber I asked her how it would be to be without her father, who died of a heart attack in July. She began to tear, and started recalling all the Christmas’s of the past, how she wished she could return with him to those days. I asked if her perfectionist mother, her uncle who drinks too much, her aunt who is the horrible baker and her cousins who talk to loud and sing off key were there. Of course she remembers they were all present. Despite their idiosyncrasies her memories were filled with crazy love despite the imperfections of her family.

Marie is feeling more pressure this holiday season because it will be the first without her father. She is less tolerant of the shortcomings of family members because her loss over rides everything else.

As we age the holidays can still maintain their magic but they also consist of many memories we wish we could re-enact. We all lose people and dreams along the way. Maybe were not in the marriage we fantasized about, or maybe some are alone and wondering if there magical Christmas or joyous Hanukah will ever be with a special someone. Maybe we never quite reached the status we desired, or made the money we thought we would, or maybe we, like all other human beings, are forced to cope with the realities of an ever-changing life. Our dreams have been disrupted and the season and our lives are not quite what we fantasized.

Marie realized as we talked about her Dad that eventually a holiday season will come when all these irritating people will not be present, and she may indeed miss them. After all her Dad was expected to be here for many years to come. He wasn’t perfect but he was her first boyfriend and he truly loved family. He taught her to cherish all family members despite their faults, and family to him was not just blood relatives but all those whom he engaged in a genuine relationship.

Let’s all make Marie’s realization our holiday perspective. Life and family seldom go according to our dreams but we can make awesome memories if we give in to the reality of the people in our lives. We all know what to expect, try to accept or at least develop gratitude for the fact that we are here one more year to celebrate togetherness. It takes little ability to get along with people who act exactly the way we desire. True compassion, empathy and wisdom exist when we give up control and develop a loving heart with the family we were given, not the one we created in fiction. Someone your sitting next to this year may not be here next holiday season, and it could be you!
Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D.,Ph.D.
Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life

A Christmas Story

Posted by docapc at 11:30 am

It has been several years since my Dad’s passing but there is one Christmas gift he gave that I remember more than any other.  Years later I still feel enormously grateful for the gift he gave me that never faded, never worn out and never failed to be a gift that sustained me throughout my life. I hope all parents will remember the meaning of this story as you contemplate what to give your children this season.

When I was 9 years old I asked for a Lionel train for Christmas. I wanted that train so much that I couldn’t think of anything else. I dreamed about it day and night, imagining what it would look like speeding along its miniature track. Nobody else in my neighborhood had a Lionel. I would be the first to own one, and that I believed would make me special.

On Christmas morning I woke up when it was still dark and tiptoed past my sleeping brother. The stairs creaked in our apartment so I stayed on the edges, hoping to keep the magic moment to myself. A light was on in the kitchen and I peeked in to see my father sitting at the table, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. He looked up at me, something shifted in my heart and I knew there would be no train under the tree.

Without a word I ran into the living room and stood before the Christmas tree. Blinking back tears and still believing in miracles I hoped the train would just suddenly appear before me. Maybe I missed it, I thought, picking up boxes and shaking them. Maybe it’s in a closet or maybe it’s outside on the porch.

“Arthur.”  My Father’s voice was gentle as he kneeled down next to me. “We could not afford the train. I’m sorry, because I know how much it meant to you.”

He put his hand around my wrist and squeezed, a gesture he used only when he was discussing issues of the utmost importance. “You may not understand what I am about to say now, but someday you will” he said. “On this Christmas morning, with just you and me in this room, I would like to give you a gift far greater than anything money can buy. I want you to know that I will always love you. No matter what happens in your life, I will always be with you, believing in you,supporting you,cheering for you. No father could ever love a son more than I love you, and that love will never rust or need repairs-it will always be yours, now and for the rest of your life.”

I must have given him a look of doubt and perhaps confusion-How can love make up for a Lionel?-for he squeezed my wrist tighter and leaned toward me. I breathed in the familiar, bittersweet odor of Chesterfields and Maxwell House coffee, mixed with plenty of sugar and cream. “Believe me  Arthur,” my father said, “this will come to mean more than any other gift I could give you, I promise you that.”

This Christmas, many years later, it is still the best gift I could have ever received. His love, even after he is gone, lives inside me in a very powerful way. Try to give the gift of eternal love this season, it is truly everlasting.

What is your favorite Christmas Memory? Please share it via comments below.

Connect with me on Twitter @DocAPC

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D.,Ph.D.

Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life

10 Ways to Make Your Holidays Special

Posted by docapc at 11:17 am

1. Write something very personal to those closest to you.
2. Take time to purchase holiday cards that speak to the uniqueness of the person your addressing.
3. Prepare or purchase foods that you know will please others, tailor your choices to those who you will be with.
4. Make a toast before your main meal that honors the elders at your table.
5. Include in your comments poignant stories of the history of the family.
6. Watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” sometime during the holiday season.
7. Open gifts with your favorite holiday music in the background.
8. Choose music that enlivens the spirit and is holiday focused.
9. My favorite is Karaoke at the end of the day; you’d be surprised how much fun it is for all.
10. Don’t be inhibited, get up there and sing and dance. Make a video for golden memories.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D.,Ph.D.
Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life

A Wonderful New Book Teaches How to Lead The Good Life

Posted by docapc at 3:51 pm

My good friend and colleague P. M. Forni is America’s civility expert.  In his first two books, the critically acclaimed Choosing Civility and The Civility Solution, he taught readers the rules of civil behavior and ways of responding to rudeness.  Now, in his new book, THE THINKING LIFE: How to Thrive in The Age of Distraction, he looks at the importance of thinking in our lives; how we do it, why we don’t do enough of it and why we need to do more of it because, serious thinking leads to the good life. “In this age that has made distraction a way of life, the essence of my message could not be simpler.” “Think if you wish to thrive. “

In 12 short chapters, Dr. Forni gives readers a remedy for the Age of Distraction, an age fuelled by the internet, Blackberries and cell phones, all of which make constant demands on our attention, diverting it from one thing to another.  “True, insight can travel by Twitter, but there is no substitute for uninterrupted reflection and introspection—not if we want to discover who we really are, check if we are true to our own values, learn from our mistakes, and plan our future,” says P. M. “The fact is that a lot of what goes online is technology -driven.  We often communicate because we can, not because we need to.  As we do so, we forget that the shape of our lives depends on what we make time for as we go through it.”

After suggesting ways we can find time to think more, DR. Forni examines the importance of attention, reflection, introspection, self-control, positive thinking, proactive thinking, effective decision-making strategies, creative thinking, and problem-solving strategies in our daily lives, and shows readers how to improve their abilities in these areas.

Just as P.M. did with civility, he puts the importance of good thinking front and center in a book as simple and as profound as his earlier works.

P.M. FORNI is a professor at Johns Hopkins University.  He is the author of Choosing Civility and The Civility Solution.  His work has been featured in The New York Times and The Washington Post.  He has appeared on NPR and Oprah.  He lives in Baltimore, Maryland. He is also the co-founder of The Goodness Renaissance Project.

We All Have A Theory of Love

Posted by docapc at 4:07 pm

We all develop a theory of love based on our early experiences. Often these theories are quite inaccurate. Some believe if they acquire wealth and status they will be loved. Others believe if they are pleasing and compliant they will win the love of those they desire. Still others think if they are aggressive they can talk people into loving them, being relentless in the pursuit of love.  Some believe if we acquire love. Ironically none of these approaches work but we hold on to what we consciously or unconsciously have learned and we seldom realize the futility of our beliefs. The irony is that even if we did not like the way we saw love expressed these behaviors create a familiarity with certain types of people that profoundly influences who we choose to love.                                                                                                                

Where Did It Start?

If you were born in a family where your mother doted on your father you come to believe that this pattern is a form of love. If you were born into a family where one of your parents was always over-doing and desperately trying to please you may come to believe that this tendency brings love. The pattern you witnessed thousands of times before you reached adulthood became embedded in your psyche and dominates the way you try to maintain intimacy. We are extremely impressionable early in life. All human beings want to be loved so whatever relationship patterns you experience gets recorded in our young minds as the way to obtain affection. These patterns are very difficult to change without awareness and the courage to try new behaviors.

 Ralph’s Story

Ralph grew up as the youngest of five children, his father was aggressive and often frightening when he would take one of his tantrums. Ralph was close to his docile mother but always wished she would stand up to his father and make the atmosphere in the house calmer. Ralph’s dad wasn’t a bad person but he was a critical person. He nevertheless was his father’s favorite, probably because he tried the hardest of his siblings to please his dad. He would tolerate his father’s negative mood just to be with him as he derived some sense of connection by doing what his dad asked of him with energy and compliance.

  Ralph married someone very similar in temperament to his dad and he adopted a pleasing role with her. Eventually he developed an anxiety disorder as he couldn’t stand the lack of reciprocity in the marriage and ultimately they agreed to divorce. He remained a very involved father with his son, trying very hard to not repeat the sins of his father.

 Familiarity Breeds Repetition

Ralph has worked extremely hard to overcome the patterns he developed in his family, especially the non-productive, inaccurate theory of love he possessed. Being in a group therapy situation where all members are examining the unsuccessful theories they have constructed gave Ralph the sense that he was not alone. He discovered that many good, compassionate people have lost their way due to misguided attempts to find love. He realizes now that we all tend to gravitate to what is familiar even though it has caused us pain. It is human nature to be attracted to what we have experienced in our own families even though it is not a rational choice. Love is constructed through emotional learning not reason. We need to essentially unlearn what we recorded early in life.                                                     We also need to be keenly aware of our state of mind when we meet potential partners, it is especially important to factor in the variables that may cloud our vision. If you were recently divorced, experienced a death in your family, lost your job, or maybe you were diagnosed with a chronic illness, all these situations make you vulnerable and short sited. Of course the greatest contributor to poor relationships is our distorted theory of love.

  The Steps to Real Love

1)    Know your state of mind.

2)    Understand the behaviors you learned in your own family about love.

3)    Be dedicated to unlearning the patterns you know are misguided.

4)    Have the courage to try new, constructive behaviors, such as being assertive if you are typically submissive, becoming less intense if you typically overreact, etc.

5)    Expand your capacity for empathy; it’s necessary to enter the world of your partner to maintain closeness.

6)    Pay attention to your feelings and when you feel discomfort in the relationship express assertively and directly.

7)    Never be deceitful, dishonesty destroys the spirit of intimacy

8)    Don’t expect your partner to make up for your childhood hurts, that growth can only come from your own efforts.

9)    Spend more time learning about your partner’s character than about their resume.

10)                        

Work hard at discovering the inaccuracies of your theory of love and commit to understanding and implementing each step above.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D.,Ph.D.

Charlie Sheen-”Winning” in America

Posted by docapc at 2:01 am

Each morning I wake up, get ready for my workout, and turn on the TV as I take my first steps on the elliptical machine. Recently I see Charlie and his latest quips leading the morning news. Shortly thereafter my colleagues, journalists and media pundits tell viewers that he is bi-polar, schizophrenic, addicted to cocaine, or heroin, has a sex addiction and an anger problem that will shortly end his life.

The Pain of Generalizations

I have been a practicing clinical psychologist for over 35 years and I cannot diagnose Charlie Sheen with any certainty. I have watched the interviews and can see that he appears, and I accent the word appears, impulsive, angry, disoriented and quite anxious mixed in with grandiose thinking. However until he has been sober for a significant period of time it will be unclear as to which diagnosis will aptly fit his personality. Substance abuse frays our nervous system and it often takes months for a person’s neurochemistry to recover. In many cases when addiction ceases more than one diagnosis may be applicable. We generalize when we want to appear certain in the face of ambiguity for an assortment of reasons. Some people want to appear as the expert, others are prone to categorizing because they can’t stand the slow process of truly getting to know another person. Still others are simply unaware of the hurt they can cause a vulnerable soul by assuming and not knowing the truth.

Winning is an American Theme

We love winners in our culture, we love to follow the lives of celebrities and unfortunately we seem to love to see those who supposedly have everything fail in the public eye. Charlie Sheen, after all, is a winner as he frequently states according to the lifestyles our culture idealizes. He is a millionaire, he is a celebrity, he attracts the attention of millions every week on his TV show and he has the freedom to travel the world, speaking his mind and hanging out with seductive, attractive women. Doesn’t his resume speak to success according to our image driven way of thinking and behaving? Maybe it is not Charlie Sheen that is on display these days; maybe it is our way of being that is in the limelight.

We Win when We Understand the Truth

So if winning is not having celebrity status, if it is not simply created by acquiring money and notoriety, then what is winning in the truest sense of being human?
Study after study has proven that winning psychologically, emotionally and spiritually is when we become good people with a deep understanding of human nature. Money and status are not evils if they are seen from a realistic perspective. If you earn money because every day you do something you love and if what you do is in the service of others your occupation is a winner. If your character is such that you enjoy giving to others and if you enjoy creating an environment in your home, in your friendships and in your work where people can thrive due to your grace and generosity you are a winner of the grandest proportion. If you know how to love and sustain intimacy, if you are humble despite your achievements, if you disdain arrogance and value open mindedness, and oppose oppression of all people you are a spiritual winner. If you want to contribute to making our world a more compassionate, free and loving place to exist long beyond your lifetime you are a humanitarian winner.

My Wish for Charlie Sheen

Stop listening to the pundits on daily TV, resist fighting yourself and others and seek out the help of an experienced, empathic, proven mental health professional. Stay in treatment with that person until you can sustain an internal sense of calm and happiness that you have never before realized, then and only then will you be ready for the rigors and benefits of primetime.
Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

http://www.balanceyoursuccess.com