Category : Balanced Lifestyle

The Principle of Thoughtful Contribution

Posted by docapc at 6:53 pm

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     By  P.M. Forni,Ph.D.

“What’s in it for me?” This is the unenlightened attitude billions among us go through life with. Why unenlightened? Is there something wrong with the pursuit of personal interest? No, there is not. What is wrong, and in the long run counter-productive as well, is to let the pursuit of personal interest become an exclusive affair, without consideration for needs and desires of the rest of the world. Now, should we then upend our question and make “What’s in it for others?” the one we are looking for? This may point the way to sainthood, but I am not sure that as a practical existential compass it works any better than “What’s in it for me?”  Enter Benjamin Franklin, with his opinion that the noblest question in the world is: “What good may I do in it?”  If the voice of our conscience has not been muted, we immediately perceive that there is something right here—something perfectly balanced. Although Franklin’s attitude is one of going beyond mere self-interest, he does not wonder “What good may I do for my fellow humans?” In other words, he is not advocating that we forget self-interest. The goal he advocates is a commitment to bettering the world, whatever form that betterment might take. This allows us to go beyond the “good for me, good for others” alternative. The idea is that our allegiance is neither to ourselves or the other person, but rather to the situation in which we both find ourselves. 

Our survival instincts program us to grab the prize of the moment, lest a competitor grab it before we do. For Cal Hockley, the main villain in Titanic, the ultimate prize was a spot in a lifeboat about to leave the sinking ship—and he showed that he was ready to do anything to prevent anyone from taking that prize from him.  While an aggressively self-centered behavior is always an option, in everyday life ethical considerations do make us often choose restraint. Very practical considerations play a role as well. Sure, we can use people as means for the satisfaction of our needs and desires; sure we can loot and plunder, but ruined relationships with those we wronged  and a ruined reputation make that a very costly gain.  How should we live, then?  Here is a simple rule of thumb that allows us to manage life situations both ethically and expediently. A re-elaboration into a principle of the two approaches to life situations I mentioned above, I call it the Principle of Thoughtful Contribution:

In every situation in life our primary concern should not be what we can get out of it.  Rather we should think how we can best give of ourselves to it. The only decent way to act is with an eye to achieving something good beyond our own immediate interest.

Although snowstorms are not frequent in Baltimore, about every other year a big one comes calling, eventually making us measure the might of mother nature in feet rather than inches. And so the shovel detail of the able-bodied denizens of my residential cul-de-sac goes to work, plumes of white breath coming out of our red noses in the stinging winter air. It is hard work, especially if the snow has solidified, but a few hours later the cars of our elderly and frail neighbors who could not join us outside will have been dug out just like our own. Now, no immediate reward awaits us for our extra efforts on behalf of neighbors we do not even know very well. No immediate reward, that is, other than that of having done the right thing—or if you prefer, of having followed the Principle of Thoughtful Contribution.

“What is the best possible contribution I can give?” is the question both smart and decent you want to ask yourself whenever you are faced with a decision of some consequence. I am not arguing that you should forget your own interests, needs and desires. I am just saying that as you take the time to identify in your mind the ideal course of action, you avoid going immediately and unthinkingly for the lazy or narrowly self-serving option. In other words, I am urging you to give the best in you a fair chance to come out and play itself out. Back to the snow-removal, one of these years I might decide to just dig out my own car because I have papers to grade, a speech to write and way too little time to do it. What I can do, then, is to remind my neighbors still at work in the snow to dig out all the cars. Before I sit down with my papers it may also be a good idea to make a couple of telephone calls to our elderly neighbors to let them know that we have not forgotten them. This time, this would be the best contribution I can give.

How exactly does self-interest figure in the picture? When you give of yourself to the situation at hand you are also furthering your own advantage. That you are doing it in an indirect way does not mean that you are doing it ineffectively. In fact, you are pursuing your goals in one of the smartest possible ways: by helping others pursue theirs. An act of yours that benefits others is always a deposit at the bank of reciprocal altruism. Sooner or later you are going to make a withdrawal. Maybe the people you helped will help you in return. Maybe they will want to befriend you or do business with you. People like to do business with people they like. Maybe other people impressed by your handling of yourself will want to be around you and so they will strengthen your platform of social support.   The mere fact of having volunteered help, however, will reward you with the gratifying feeling of having done the right thing. You may even experience Helper’s High, a special sense of elation that comes from selflessly improving the lives of others. Feeling good about ourselves is always good for both our physical and mental health. Trust the Principle of Thoughtful Contribution, that wonderfully simple and effective regulator of our actions. In every circumstance of life do think first about what to give rather than what to take. The taking will come in due time as a matter of course. There is absolutely no need to fret.

By Dr.Forni, Director of the Johns Hopkins Civility Project, Author of Choosing Civility and The Civility Solution

The Holidays are Coming…

Posted by docapc at 11:45 am

It’s that time of year again and many of my patients are already anticipating the pressure and emotional turmoil that each of our families bring to the holiday table.

One of my clients just left a session saying, “I love them all but they drive me crazy”. I asked her what behaviors specifically drive her crazy. She talked about her uncle who drinks too much, her mother who is a perfectionist and has to have “everything just right”, making everyone uncomfortable. She talked of her husband not helping enough with her sons on Christmas morning, the cousins who talk to load, each too much, sing off key and the aunt who makes the same horrible cake every year and on and on. We were both laughing at this point as Marie is incredibly funny and of course her Spanish family sounds so similar to my Italian family that I couldn’t help feeling right at home.

I’m guessing no matter what ethnic background you come from you can identify. At one moment when Marie became a bit somber I asked her how it would be to be without her father, who died of a heart attack in July. She began to tear, and started recalling all the Christmas’s of the past, how she wished she could return with him to those days. I asked if her perfectionist mother, her uncle who drinks too much, her aunt who is the horrible baker and her cousins who talk to loud and sing off key were there. Of course she remembers they were all present. Despite their idiosyncrasies her memories were filled with crazy love despite the imperfections of her family.

Marie is feeling more pressure this holiday season because it will be the first without her father. She is less tolerant of the shortcomings of family members because her loss over rides everything else.

As we age the holidays can still maintain their magic but they also consist of many memories we wish we could re-enact. We all lose people and dreams along the way. Maybe were not in the marriage we fantasized about, or maybe some are alone and wondering if there magical Christmas or joyous Hanukah will ever be with a special someone. Maybe we never quite reached the status we desired, or made the money we thought we would, or maybe we, like all other human beings, are forced to cope with the realities of an ever-changing life. Our dreams have been disrupted and the season and our lives are not quite what we fantasized.

Marie realized as we talked about her Dad that eventually a holiday season will come when all these irritating people will not be present, and she may indeed miss them. After all her Dad was expected to be here for many years to come. He wasn’t perfect but he was her first boyfriend and he truly loved family. He taught her to cherish all family members despite their faults, and family to him was not just blood relatives but all those whom he engaged in a genuine relationship.

Let’s all make Marie’s realization our holiday perspective. Life and family seldom go according to our dreams but we can make awesome memories if we give in to the reality of the people in our lives. We all know what to expect, try to accept or at least develop gratitude for the fact that we are here one more year to celebrate togetherness. It takes little ability to get along with people who act exactly the way we desire. True compassion, empathy and wisdom exist when we give up control and develop a loving heart with the family we were given, not the one we created in fiction. Someone your sitting next to this year may not be here next holiday season, and it could be you!
Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D.,Ph.D.
Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life

A Wonderful New Book Teaches How to Lead The Good Life

Posted by docapc at 3:51 pm

My good friend and colleague P. M. Forni is America’s civility expert.  In his first two books, the critically acclaimed Choosing Civility and The Civility Solution, he taught readers the rules of civil behavior and ways of responding to rudeness.  Now, in his new book, THE THINKING LIFE: How to Thrive in The Age of Distraction, he looks at the importance of thinking in our lives; how we do it, why we don’t do enough of it and why we need to do more of it because, serious thinking leads to the good life. “In this age that has made distraction a way of life, the essence of my message could not be simpler.” “Think if you wish to thrive. “

In 12 short chapters, Dr. Forni gives readers a remedy for the Age of Distraction, an age fuelled by the internet, Blackberries and cell phones, all of which make constant demands on our attention, diverting it from one thing to another.  “True, insight can travel by Twitter, but there is no substitute for uninterrupted reflection and introspection—not if we want to discover who we really are, check if we are true to our own values, learn from our mistakes, and plan our future,” says P. M. “The fact is that a lot of what goes online is technology -driven.  We often communicate because we can, not because we need to.  As we do so, we forget that the shape of our lives depends on what we make time for as we go through it.”

After suggesting ways we can find time to think more, DR. Forni examines the importance of attention, reflection, introspection, self-control, positive thinking, proactive thinking, effective decision-making strategies, creative thinking, and problem-solving strategies in our daily lives, and shows readers how to improve their abilities in these areas.

Just as P.M. did with civility, he puts the importance of good thinking front and center in a book as simple and as profound as his earlier works.

P.M. FORNI is a professor at Johns Hopkins University.  He is the author of Choosing Civility and The Civility Solution.  His work has been featured in The New York Times and The Washington Post.  He has appeared on NPR and Oprah.  He lives in Baltimore, Maryland. He is also the co-founder of The Goodness Renaissance Project.

The Mirrors of our Early Life

Posted by docapc at 1:43 am

We are all storytellers. Early in life we create stories about ourselves that remain with us and forge our destiny. These stories are based on what we think is being reflected back to us by those around us. It is as though we were looking at ourselves in a mirror. From the mirror, however we get a distorted view of ourselves as we would in a carnival arcade. Our internal story is mostly fictitious. The following story is an example of the consequences of positive and negative mirroring.

A little Girl Blossoms

Years ago, when we could actually hospitalize adolescents in need for a period of weeks I was assigned a young 13 year old girl who had been in many foster homes. I was told she was “slow” meaning it was determined by previous testing that she had below normal intelligence. I met with Christina daily in individual and group therapy sessions. Despite being bullied most of her young life, called “retard” and “stupid” she nevertheless was one of the funniest, high spirited people I had ever met. Her incredible wit clearly indicated that she comprehended quickly and accurately although she clearly had internalized the views of those peers and adults who treated her poorly. She often made self derogatory comments about herself, particularly about her not being very intelligent. One day after eating lunch with patients I asked her gingerly if she would allow me to give her an intelligence test. I knew she would be reluctant as she was convinced she wasn’t “smart”. I told her the results would just be between us. I promised it would strictly be off the record and was just to satisfy my curiosity in an effort to better find a proper placement for her. Of course what I really wanted to determine was her actual cognitive level, which I believed was inaccurately accessed due to her anxiety. Anxiety, particularly when matched with fear of not being good enough, can have a dramatic impact on testing and academic performance. I knew she felt comfortable with me and thus assumed her test results would indicate a more positive outcome. I could only imagine this little girl being tested in a sterile environment by someone she didn’t know. How could such an experience not elicit her fear and cause her mind to freeze? Christina exceeded my expectations and tested in the bright range. Today she is a successful social worker in the Midwest. She specializes in helping troubled young girls; she is married and has a daughter of her own. For years after she left the hospital I received Christmas cards telling me she had entered community college, and then she wrote telling me she was getting her bachelor’s degree, eventually she married and began her work with teens that had similar experiences to her own.
Christina had been looking in a circus mirror all of her 13 years of life when I met her. Her view of her intelligence was distorted by the mirrors of the adults in her life, reinforced by her peers and the professionals who treated her. She turned her fictional story into a non-fiction account of who she truly is and has become a valued contributor to society as a result.

The Power of Story

The stories of our lives evoke strong emotions and are highly influential. Stories that place us in a position to experience strong emotions are also highly influential. Stories that elicit strong emotions, whether experienced directly or indirectly, are stored in a deep part of the brain. Movies or plays become classics because we¸ the passive listener, are profoundly moved by stories that match our own experience or experiences we can relate to or wish we could duplicate. In essence poignant stories elicit our emotions; they evoke the memory centers of the brain and ultimately can result in behavioral changes. Our stories surely shape our experiences and dramatically influence behavior.
The stories of our lives help us reach common ground with fellow human beings. Without this ability we are prone to de-humanize those who threaten our sense of worth, leading to justification for abuse and bullying. Our real life dramas’ can expand our empathic range and reduce the “black and white” thinking that supports bias and prejudice. Black and white thinking is often driven by anger, which leads to oversimplifications and irrational judgments of others.

The Mirrors of Truth

Christina fortunately had the opportunity through her exposure to objective, rational people to re-write the story she created early in life. We all need to re-access the early mirroring we received so we can come to an accurate picture of ourselves in adulthood. Choose carefully who to love and trust and engage in the process of giving and receiving honest feedback and you will liberate yourself from the past while opening the door to an exciting future.
Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

http://www.balanceyoursuccess.com

Top 10 Ways to Deal with Bad Behavior

Posted by docapc at 8:00 pm

1. Don’t personalize rude behavior. It’s unlikely to be about you, even though it’s directed at you.
2. Be aware that rude behavior comes from various sources (sleep deprivation, depression, stress, illness, insecurity, etc.).
3. Respond with calmness rather than behavior that escalates rude behavior.
4. “An eye for an eye” is a poor approach; don’t turn another’s insecurity into your own.
5. Self-righteous behavior only reflects poorly on you; don’t use the opportunity to demean another.
6. Try to address the underlying cause of the behavior. (“I can see you are very stressed. Maybe I could help if you tell me what’s bothering you.”)
7. When necessary, set limits tactfully and assertively, not aggressively.
8. If the conversation remains irrational, know when to quit.
9. Don’t assume rudeness is a permanent part of someone’s personality. It is a pattern of rudeness (not one mishap) that determines character.
10. In the end, always let empathy — the ability to read others accurately — be your guide in understanding rudeness, knowing how to respond to a rude individual and knowing when to leave the scene.

How to Handle the Complexities of Grief

Posted by docapc at 10:39 am

Parents throughout the world can understand the anger and grief displayed this week by Leonard Gengel, father of 20 year old Britney Gengel who is still missing in Haiti.  Not only is his loss devastating to the core of his being but he was mistakenly told she was found due to faulty intelligence. Leonard and his wife are beside themselves with grief and frustration as are many other families with love ones in Haiti. Of course Haitians themselves are stricken with overwhelming grief as their families are torn apart with no clear hope of a better tomorrow.

How does one cope with such agonizing grief? Is it even possible to overcome such emotional pain?

This morning one of my clients seemed on edge in a group coaching session. He is a mild mannered person, has wonderful character and is always reaching out to help others in group and in his life. Today he related in an uncharacteristic manner as he expressed anger toward me and immediately I thought something must be hurting him that he was not disclosing. As he went on to complain about certain aspects of his life it was obvious that these irritations were not enough to significantly change his typical temperament. Another group member commented, “I think what’s really bothering you is your still grieving your mother’s death, after all it has only been a few months”. At that moment my client began to tear and he began to talk of how he felt seeing his mother wither away to nothing, while she experienced inordinate pain. “I can’t get the images of her suffering out of my mind, I was so angry at being so dam helpless”.

As the session progressed other members shared similar reactions to deaths or losses they had experienced. One member talked of how his sister recently went to his father’s grave and screamed at him for not taking care of himself, he talked of how her anger seems to grow and grow every week. “I thought it was a good thing, getting all this anger out, right Dr. C?”

It is normal to feel anger when we fear losing someone we love or in fact do loose that person. Leonard Gengel’s anger is understandable to anyone who loves their children, just as it understandable that my client’s sister is angered by a father who drank himself to death. We are angered by our helplessness, by our lack of control and by our inability to change a horrendous outcome into something positive.

If embellished too long anger however can be a defense against acknowledging and working through more fundamental feelings. It is also dangerous as it stresses our physiology to an unhealthy point where it can cause heart disease and other life threatening illnesses. It is a natural first reaction, certainly one in Mr. Gengel’s case that can propel him into action until he obtains the answers he and his wife deserve.

Grief is not comfortable for anyone. We all would rather avoid it and the conflicts in our lives if we could. Some people believe if they avoid and turn away it will go away. Don’t fool yourself, it will not. Avoidance may bring you relief temporarily, but the emotions associated with conflict will come out sideways if not expressed directly. When they do emerge indirectly we end up arguing about the toothpaste being squeezed out of the wrong end, and those close to us begin to think we’re being irrational, stubborn and close minded. We are dismissed because the focus of our anger seems irrelevant and superficial.

My client’s irritation with me and earlier with his wife was an excellent example of this kind of avoidance. Why did he choose this direction? Well I don’t think it was a conscious thought, but somewhere within him he felt out of control, helpless, anxious and scared. Expressing anger over minor issues probably gave him a sense of control and relief for a few, brief minutes. Knowing his character I knew he would apologize after our session ended and he did. I told him I took no offense. I knew he was suffering and I told him it’s normal to express frustration  to those we trust when were overwhelmed. He began to tear, lowered his head and thanked me graciously.

If those close to you are grieving give them a little space, don’t be overly sensitive if their mood is off. When one party is in grief and the other is not there it is a relational mis-match for a time. My client’s wife cannot experience the death of his mother the way he does. If he is more aware of his mood going forward, explaining at times that his thoughts of his mother’s illness are haunting him, his mood will likely be more understandable to her. Consequently he is less likely to need to choose a non-related outlet.

What happened in our group session this morning is what needs to happen in anyone’s life if they are going to grieve constructively and overcome the effects of traumatic loss. If you are in the role of the helper expressing understanding, empathy, compassion, tolerance and having the ability to look beyond the surface are essentials to guiding the tormented person to health. If you are the person grieving  you are likely to find yourself experiencing the gamut of feelings, expect your mood to fluctuate and try your very best to not spend time on small irritations, it is a sign that more important concerns are being avoided. When we lose all control we naturally look to things we can control to escape our feelings of helplessness. Acceptance of our limitations is a key part of grieving and in many ways a key aspect to healthy living .We don’t get to choose how people live, we can’t control natural disasters or chronic illness but we can develop the tools that allow us to cope with as much resiliency as possible.

We grieve because we have loved deeply. We recover through love as well. The love of those who care enough about us to tolerate our fluctuating moods allows us to heal the wounds of a broken heart.

Have a Spirit of Giving to our Haitian Sisters and Brothers

Posted by docapc at 2:27 pm

People around the world have joined forces in attempts to help Haitians who are suffering enormous hardship. These are the times when our empathy and compassion drive us to do whatever we can to be of help. I have listened to many people tell me how this experience has made them more grateful and appreciative of the freedoms and good fortune we enjoy in our country.

Suffering unites those of us who are interested in mankind; many people find it unbearable that some individuals have to endure life’s greatest pains while not having the support needed to cope effectively.  Those of good character want to help!

I was watching Haitian children singing in the streets the other day.  As their voices pleaded with God for solace I could see their spirits rise despite the chaos around them. We here in the United States often associate wealth and material possessions with happiness. The Haitian people survive with far less than we do, yet their spirits seem to shine despite the lack of amenities in their lives.

If you seek emotional freedom you must be involved in the social world. To expand our humanity we need to open our eyes, minds and hearts to the inequalities of the world. Personal liberation is brought about, in part, when we are involved with the freedom and equality of all people. I have seen in recent days a renewed sense of calm among many people who were previously troubled by matters of little significance in comparison to what we view daily in Haiti. This tragedy has provided us with an opportunity to examine our lives, question how often we are in service to others, and how our lifestyle is affecting our spirits and the lives of others. Perhaps in the face of mortality we are awakened to what really matters in our lives. We are reminded that we do not have ultimate control; we have this moment to do the right thing for ourselves and others. Our lives are truly unpredictable beyond this moment in time.

If you have found yourself very affected by this tragedy use it as an opportunity.  Try to connect to those who suffer and are in great need of your help. Be more of a giver and become less preoccupied with your own self interests. This new perspective will bring you a sense of freedom that cannot be matched by self preoccupation. In the process of healing broken wings we release our humanity and heal ourselves. Open your heart, help the Haitians, and release the goodness within you.

To find ways you can help follow the Red Cross Tweets @redcross or visit http://www.cnn.com/impact

The Top 10 Ways to Balance Your Success in 2010

Posted by docapc at 1:47 pm

1. Spend less time looking in the mirror and more time improving your character.
2. Be more focused on being morally correct and less on being politically correct.
3. Talk less and listen more, suspend your need for recognition and you’ll receive more of what you desire.
4. Curb your temper, aggression always reveals insecurity, assertion speaks to a desire to resolve difficulties.
5. Be other focused, give more without calculating your return and rich friendships will follow.
6. Realize the New Year will bring surprises, something will happen you could never predict, give up the desire to control all outcomes.
7. Expand your empathy, develop better listening skills and you’ll always attract quality people.
8. Regularly anticipate what would make those close to you feel special and take action.
9. Arrogance and entitlement, the “me focus” attitude will leave you alone and in despair.
10. Always remember that humility and gratitude will bring you respect, love and loyalty from others.

Change Your Story and Balance Your Success in 2010

Posted by docapc at 12:09 pm

10 Ways You Can Change Your Story and Balance Your Success in 2010.

1. We all write a story about ourselves early in life, realize it is always part fiction.
2. If the mirrors you look into early in life are distorted, so is your view of yourself. Commit to seeing yourself accurately today.
3. You cannot re-write your story alone; we are all too subjective to obtain a rational view of ourselves.
4. Choose rational people to help you re-write your story, to find out the truth of who you are today.
5. Expand your empathic range so that your choice of intimate friends is growth promoting.
6. Realize that the path to true self knowledge and balance comes from sustained intimate relationships.
7. We learn the most when we commit our hearts to those around us, playing it safe keeps you static.
8. Your romantic relationships reveal more about your true story than any other human contact. Love brings our stories front and center.
9. In order to live a balanced life self care has to be a priority, taking care of oneself is never separate from the care of others. Abuse yourself and you indirectly abuse others.
10. Intimacy is the greatest predictor of a balanced life; if you don’t how to maintain love you will never overcome the negative story of the past.

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