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The Heart Of Forgiveness

When we think about forgiveness we often think of something we confer on others- I forgive you. In truth we cannot forgive others without understanding our difficulties in forgiving ourselves. Forgiving oneself for addictive behavior is immensely difficult; alcohol, heroin or your drug of choice pulled you away from the world of the living. When you enter into a full time relationship with drugs your human relationships fade in importance. Addictions do this to people, regardless of who you are or where you came from. Do not allow your world to become narrow, for your shame and grief for the pain you have caused can make you avoid the very people you need the most.  It is quite possible, if you are open to a process that involves acceptance of human frailty and imperfections, to forgive yourself. I have seen people return from the abyss of shame and guilt to a position of understanding and forgiveness thousands of time.

When we deepen our understanding of human nature our view of the world and ourselves widens. From this perspective we discover forgiveness for ourselves and others. Forgiveness is an unfolding process rather than an act that is completed and set aside. Forgiveness comes slowly, as we continue to learn from the tragedies and traumas of the past in a continual effort to transcend them and return to a positive view of ourselves. With time, determination and effort we move forward, understanding the past rather than endlessly repeating it.

                                Perception

Our perceptions are limited by our experiences and our interpretations of our experiences. Most people who cannot forgive themselves have developed a critical self-voice that holds them to unrealistic expectations. If you have been criticized, ignored or shown little compassion in your life you have likely learned to blame yourself excessively for mistakes and errors in judgment. In addition if those around you do not understand the complexities of addiction you have probably been subjected to miss-understandings that have fueled a critical self-voice.

On the other hand, people who have been fortunate enough to be supported by those who do understand the complications of addiction, whether it is family members, friends or addiction counselors have received the necessary empathy and understanding that encourages forgiveness, without the burden of guilt that exacerbates addictive transgressions.

 Criticizing vs. Understanding

Every time we demean another person for their imperfections we re-visit the times the same behavior was done to us. By repeating this behavior we unfairly punish others for the lack of understanding we received, and in this process we cement our inability to free ourselves and treat others kindly.

In order to forgive yourself you have to turn inwardly and begin to understand how you came to be so hard on yourself. Instead of blaming yourself for irrational behavior while under the influence or simply for human errors it is necessary to realize that no child is born with a critical self-voice. The environment you were exposed to created your demeaning voice, complicated by your using days. Now it is time to seek a more accurate view of yourself. Forgiveness arises through the hard work of empathy. Seeking to understand, opening our minds and our hearts to what was once hidden from view, we see a view of our self we could not see before, and in that widened perspective, we see others with the same empathy and open mindedness as we now see our self. You no longer torment yourself with thoughts of what you should have done or should have said but rather see the truth of who you are today and that is finally enough.

                         Transformation

The change from a critical self-voice to an understanding self-voice is a transformation of the highest proportions. Kindness toward others is much easier than kindness toward oneself. When your internal voice is reasonable and fair your heart opens up to the world, we move outward from self toward others. This new understanding allows us to feel closer to those we previously judged, a defense used in order to create protective distance. We no longer need to be harsh toward others to shield ourselves. We no longer need to punish ourselves for actions under the influence, we take responsibility but we do not adhere to relentless name calling for what we now understand and will likely not repeat. We are committed to learning from the tragedies and traumas of the past in an ongoing effort to transcend them. With this formula we are able to move forward, building on the past rather than endlessly repeating it.

Forgiveness is the ultimate act of connectedness. In forgiving yourself you forgive others and are far less critical internally and externally. The world then becomes a kinder, warmer place.  Forgiveness now signifies freedom-releasing resentment, bitterness and pride-allowing us to live with ease within, and to love others with uncritical affection.

 

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.d,Ph.D.

Author of The Stress Solution: Using Empathy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Reduce Anxiety and Develop Resilience.

 

What The World Needs Now……………..

I am a clinical psychologist in private practice and I see a diverse group of clients every week. Most of my clients are not mentally ill but are highly stressed by how they respond to the world we all currently live in.  It is inevitable that people raise the question of politics in my individual, family, marital and group therapy sessions.

Politicians tell us that we have a binary choice to make, many feel it is between a candidate who lies versus one with an apparent personality disorder. Our future they say is the hands of one of these individuals.

I vehemently disagree. Our societal troubles are far deeper than these two individuals.  We know that Americans have fewer friends, trust less, while empathy for others has decreased. Let’s bring this political dilemma down to an individual dilemma.

Do you lie? Do you blame others when you make a mistake? Do you become overly defensive when questioned if someone is being critical? Do you slander your colleagues, friends, spouses, relatives and most importantly your children if they disagree with you? Do you value achievement more than integrity? Do you value appearance more than character?  These are all the questions this election has brought to the forefront. It is not just about electing a leader. It is about YOU being a leader. A leader in ever interaction you have.  It is about communicating with tact, honestly and most importantly with empathy.

Empathy is a capacity we are born with. It is the ability to understand and respond to the unique experiences of another. It is different than sympathy. Sympathy rushes in to console, it is immediate, reactive, based on our previous experiences. Empathy, in contrast, takes time to gather the facts, no sound bites, only the gathering of truthful facts. No assumptions like “he’s Muslim, she’s Christian, he’s Jewish, she’s an atheist” therefore we know all about them.  Empathy is part of our genetic endowment, but if it is not practiced it atrophies like an unused muscle. Our world, with terrorism, bigotry, hatred, and mounting attempts to segregate one kind of individual or one country from another is in critical need of an expansion of empathy.  When we open our eyes and expand our view we not only become a change agent, we produce chemicals that make us live longer and happier. Stress produces the opposite; the stress hormone cortisol reduces empathy and creates biased, black and white thinking.

We cannot afford, in these crucial times, to continue with pessimism and helplessness. YOU can make a difference, right now, this moment. Don’t wait for politicians to be the leaders of the change, you are the CHANGE, we are the CHANGE.

Bottom line-all human beings want two things-to be loved and respected. Take either away or deprive a person of both and conflict results. When we slow down, calm ourselves and truly try to understand each other we find that beyond race, religion, country and culture we all are more alike than we ever realized. Beyond the surface of every human being we find ourselves, and that is our connection to humanity.

Human beings, all human beings, possess goodness. Empathy uncovers our true self, lying and slander covers over goodness like a circle of clouds on a dreary day.  Our world is not dreary, it is filled with good people but each one of us has to work to uncover the goodness in each other to survive with hope and happiness. Develop your empathic capacity and you will feel alive, free and connected to the world with hope and renewed energy. We need an empathy movement more than a political movement.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

Author of The Stress Solution: Using Empathy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Reduce Anxiety and Develop Resilience.

 

A Crisis of Goodness in America

No society could survive—let alone thrive—without maintaining a minimum level of goodness. Unfortunately, there is evidence of a crisis of goodness, at least in the heavily industrialized and digitized West. We live in an egotistic moment in history where we seem unable to effectively train our children in restraint; where narcissism and entitlement are rampant and concern for social approval is at a record low; and where stress and anonymity are pervasive and deeply problematic .Our current culture has been chasing the elusive pursuit of happiness to no avail. We are the most affluent culture in the world and yet according to The World Health Organization have the highest rating of mood disorders, anxiety disorders and overall stress. 43% of American adults suffer from the adverse effects of stress, with the cost of anxiety disorders to our society estimated at 42.3 Billion dollars. Our collective mood is worsening despite five decades of becoming “better off”.  According to the World Happiness Survey Bangladesh is the happiest nation in the world with the United States sadly ranked 46th. The findings of University of Michigan political scientist Ronald Inglehart, director of the World Values Survey, indicate that overall happiness is related to benevolence and expressions of gratitude, while also being factors that possibly extend life. Other sources tell us that we have one third fewer close friends than 20 years ago and Americans trust in their fellow citizens has dropped 15% in the past 15 years.

These indicators of course do not amount to an entire picture of today’s state of goodness in the U.S., but they are proof of a malaise. Quite simply, we suffer from a deficit of goodness. In our egocentric and narcissistic society feelings of entitlement thrive and the disregard for other people’s claim to comfort and contentment is endemic. A recent study at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research found that college students today are 40% less empathic than they were in 1979, the largest decline coming in the last decade. It is all too commonplace for stress, anonymity or both to contribute to verbal and physical violence at home, on the roads, and at work. The quality of life in the schools has reached a point that news of rampant bullying finds us inured. It takes a bullied youngster taking his or her life to make us pay attention and express some dismay and consternation. Not only can on line verbal exchanges be dismally mean-spirited, the web’s low interaction standards are spilling over into the off line world. But there is hope: within this bleak landscape we perceive encouraging signs of a counter-tendency. A movement of rediscovery of goodness has begun in the United States. Today’s crisis of goodness is what prompted me to start the goodness renaissance project. http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Goodness-Renaissance-Project/104778329611615

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D.,Ph.D.

What’s Good about Goodness?

The irony is that individuals who may think they are
interested only in their own happiness still need to contribute to a healthy
goodness society. When we engage others in an attitude of goodness, we
produce what we are biologically and spiritually programmed to do. Fascinating
research by psychologist Philippe Ruston of the University of Western Ontario
on the genetic basis for altruism has revealed that humans possess a “goodness
gene”. Dr. Ruston based his opinion on decades of analyzing data he collected
through the University Of London Institute Of Psychiatric Adult Twin Register,
the source for many studies about twins and genetics. Another poignant finding
from the Great Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley is in
regard to the production of the hormone oxytocin, the hormone of compassion
elicited when we bond through the relational qualities that goodness embodies.
Oxytocin is a near magical neurotransmitter responsible for the following:

  • Reduces anxiety and release of stress hormone
    (cortisol)
  • Helps you live longer
  • Aids in faster recovery from illness, improves wound
    healing
  • Promotes a sense of calm and well-being, increases
    generosity and empathy
  • Protects against heart disease, modulates
    inflammation
  • Reduces cravings for addictive substances
  • Creates bonding and an increase in trust of others
  • Decreases fear and creates a feeling of security

Producing more oxytocin is just one of many benefits
conferred on those who practice goodness. Knowing how to express goodness makes
us more energetic and more resilient. We have more skills to manage daily
living. We are not limited in our pursuits of knowledge, and we are not
limited in the array of people we can befriend. Real wisdom consists not in
pursuing happiness directly, but rather in building a good life upon a
foundation of goodness. Happiness comes as a byproduct of that
process. If there is a shortcut to happiness, goodness is it.

                                                 Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D.,Ph.D.

                                                           http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Goodness-Renaissance-Project/104778329611615

We are Good by Nature

As humans weare genetically programmed to thrive by being empathic and altruistic. Neuroscientists
and psychologists have recently provided empirical evidence for Darwin’s
assertion that sympathy is our strongest instinct. Goodness has now been proven
to produce brain changes that make us happier and more resilient to face the
challenges of everyday life. People who volunteer their time and energy to help
others in need experience the pleasurable feeling known as “helper’s high”. The
release of endorphins that makes helper’s high possible has a positive impact
upon the helper’s health. Studies indicate that people who help on a regular
basis are ten times more likely to be healthy than people who do not. When we
give to others reward centers of the brain are stimulated with activity. In
addition researchers at the University of Western Ontario, through identical
twin studies, have identified what they believe are goodness genes. The vast
majority of scientists do believe that genes play a significant role in our
happiness and our survival. Being good also allows us to reap the reward of
intimacy, generous people are likely to receive more respect from their peers,
selfish people elicit lack of regard and are shunned. Being good induces others
to reciprocate. Bottom line-being and doing good both feels good and is good
for us.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D.,Ph.D.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Goodness-Renaissance-Project/104778329611615

 

Re-Discover A Child’s Goodness

Every Saturday morning I go to a spinning class with our two daughters, which is truly the highlight of my week. On the way to the gym this morning the girls were asking me about a book proposal I am working on regarding how we are born with  goodness and how it withers or flourishes depending on what we are taught and the quality of our early relationships. I was mentioning how prejudice is taught, destroys goodness, and is not a natural way a child sees the world. Alaina, age 28 and our youngest, is a kindergarten teacher and immediately related a fun story that spoke to the openness of a child’s mind.

Alaina teaches in the same building in her hometown where she first entered school herself. The other kindergarten teacher in the building was Alaina’s first teacher ironically.  Alaina’s colleague is in her late fifties and on Friday was teaching a lesson on prejudice using the life of
Martin Luther King Jr. as an example of how things used to be, and how he helped millions overcome discrimination. As she spoke to the children she said, “Years ago when I was your age black people had to sit on the back of school buses, couldn’t drink from the same water fountains and couldn’t eat in the same restaurants as white people”.  The teacher could see little Jenny thinking deeply as she was discussing how unfairly people were being treated back then—Jenny then raised her hand and innocently asked “So wait…you were black when you were a kid.” Alaina then said mthat the best part of teaching young children is that they have little conception of prejudice. She has children from Australia, England, Japan, China and India in her class. They don’t see color as something that matters and when they talk about different religious holidays the children seem genuinely curious and interested. “They are naturally good to each other, and the ones with the greatest empathy are always the children who have the most friends and seem the most comfortable”. Alaina said these experiences remind her of the
wonderful movie “The Help”. She recalled how much the children in the movie loved “the help” and only began experiencing prejudice as they began modeling their parent’s behavior.

We all, at one time, possessed the open-mind andinquisitive nature Jenny displayed. We need, as a society, to return to the time when we viewed all people as equal, when our views of those seemingly different than us did not stop us from finding out who they are, what they are like, and what is the common ground between us. Inherent goodness opens doors, prejudice closes doors and allows goodness to wither, onlybeing expressed to a rare few.
Goodness comes from a pure heart and is expressed through the empathy we feel for others. Extensive studies at The Prejudice Institute in Baltimore affirm the obvious fact that children and adults who feel good about themselves feel good about others, and want to do good for others. In these studies 60% of children ages 11 and older had not yet developed a positive attitude about themselves. Poor self concept made children more prone to prejudice and lessened their desire to be giving. Our responsibility as adults is to rid ourselves of prejudice so we don’t pass on distorted thinking to our children and at the same time we need to foster their self worth by displaying our goodness within and toward others.                                                                                                                                                                                            How do we return to a pure state of goodness given how life’s experiences have changed the way we perceive and interact? How do we counter a societal trend to be self absorbed and self serving rather than being selfless and giving?

How do we Re-Discover Goodness?
We are born with goodness and also with the potential for destructive impulses. If goodness is fostered by the important people in our lives we move into the world without bias and prejudice and our world view is expansive. We can then relate to a diverse group of people and we are healthier and happier as studies indicate. If we are taught prejudice and bias we become narrow thinkers, more fearful and anxious and are only comfortable with those in our small group. We then tend to classify people as to good or bad. People can be trusted if they are in our tribe, religion, culture and political group, those outside are to be feared and not trusted. We are programmed physiologically and neurochemically for altruism, empathy and goodness. All mammals are programmed for cooperation in order to survive and thrive. Goodness is then good for us physically and spiritually as it is necessary on several levels. When goodness is fostered early in life instead of narrow thinking we feel good, are happier and we want to be giving to others.
As this potential develops we move beyond our group and want good things for our community and the world at large. We care about all people because we are all people. We see ourselves in others throughout our society and world.
This natural progression occurs when we stop trying to correct what is wrong with us and start discovering what is right with us. When goodness is rediscovered we naturally extend ourselves to others.

Good Relating
As adults rediscover their goodness they realize that in order to be and do good we need to develop our relationship skills as the ability to relate is the vehicle by which goodness is transferred from one soul to another. Thus becoming a better listener, being able to be present and maintain focus as well as being able to be truthful in a tactful, assertive way becomes important in transmitting goodness to others.

Recent studies have indicated that empathy, the heart and soul of the expression of goodness, is withering in our current society. A recent study at the University of Michigan’s Institute of Social Research found that college students today are 40% less empathic than they were in 1979, the largest decline coming in the last decade. We have become more self indulgent and as we gain materially we seem to be losing our perspective on the value of goodness and giving.
Numerous studies have indicated that as people acquire more wealth they become less compassionate, less ethical and more driven by greed (National Academy of Sciences, 3/12).

The Goodness Renaissance Project
We are living in a time of anxiety and uncertainty, feeling that we have lost our way. Goodness is the way. A true rediscovery of goodness is not just an option, it is a necessity. The Goodness Renaissance Project is an initiative to help people begin the process of rediscovering what we came into the world with and have lost. My hope is that this international effort will be the beginning of a goodness movement that will continue to increase by numbers daily, becoming a powerful force for placing good behavior and good
actions at the foundation of our society. Please join us in this most important undertaking at http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Goodness-Renaissance-Project/104778329611615.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D.,Ph.D.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Goodness-Renaissance-Project/104778329611615

 

 

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